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I think, I function in a very different way, in the sense that nothing can be attached to me forever or for a sizable duration of time. I was nothing yesterday, I am something tomorrow, I am yet again nothing tomorrow. I have been, and I feel so too in every levels of me I could ever visit, that there is no one word, no one talent, no one defect, no one trait that can be used to describe me, that I can  boast about, that can be used to make me feel ashamed of myself, that will pin point me in the crowd. People have called me too unstable, too fidgety, too fickle; I embrace their views, but I don’t understand the negative tone of their remarks. It is, if you ask me, a good thing to be unstable, fidgety, fickle. This obsession of ours with perfecting ourselves in every aspect has left me so amused by the very nature of human beings. I have not been gripped by this obsession yet. Not fully, I can safely say so. 

In this being fidgety, being erratic or even moody I have found a purpose.

We have set many goals for ourselves. But have we thought about a purpose. Your purpose in life cannot be “to become a good engineer”, not only because “good” requires a lot of defining but so does “engineer”! Hence I silently decided that purpose(s) of my life should not be something like this. It should not begin in mediocre words and end in a few more, it should not be able to be explained so easily, it should not be able to be achieved so easily (Yes, I will grant this to you that being a “good engineer” is difficult too, but there are good engineers, and engineering is just an example I took because I claim to know a wee bit about it, definitely not as much as the “good engineer” would)

And now it is crystal clear to me that my purposes’ nature must be something dynamic, ever evolving, ever updating (like the anti-virus software updates, each time, many features, replacing the old and the useless). But it is not so easy to dare to have a different purpose in this society. You are expected by ‘your’ people that you will have a purpose of life as they have had and as every one of ‘us’ is supposed to have. The wise ones got it,  religion!

The religion that tells us that we are sinners, the religion that tells us that the non-believers are sinners, the religion that tells us that not ‘preserving’ our religion is a sin; I refuse to belong to such religions. Furthermore thinking in this direction leads me to think, what is it so amazing about these religions that we are so much sitting on the edge, ready to debate forever? Will my few words for or against any of mine or others’ religion be my purpose in life? My purpose cannot be defined by mediocre words, remember? My purpose cannot be defined by religion. My purpose statement can just not have provision for somebody else’s loss or defeat!

And now in this day and age of abject poverty, rampaging hunger and anger, can my purpose be “to be rich” ? Making as much money as it is possible to before I die, this can be a candidate for my prospective purposes? What for, do I need money? To live or to help me live? It would be too hypocritical if I say I do not need money, it is an accessory, perhaps nobody has ever defined wealth as a side dish; I do now. I have realised this.

Of being here, doing all these stuff, going through all these hardships, earning or trying to earn some status, some name, these have to have some meaning, no? There has to be reason behind all the daily charades of ourselves and others we go through, there has to be a justification, wouldn’t you love it that way? So would there be a controlling mind behind all of our actions, our walks, our talks, our sleeps, our sleep-walks, our cries, our giggles? Shouldn’t it mean that we are playing our part everyday? Shouldn’t we then have a purpose to try to find that ‘master-mind’ and slap him left-right? For making us go through all this pain and anguish and making us feel miserable about ourselves and others? I knew this all along, that there is no such controlling being out there anywhere. Reason being, I do not feel trapped or being puppet-ed. So this is ruled out option for me.

But then why don’t I feel free. Therefore there has to be a stage between bondage and freedom, which I (and many others) have never crossed and hence we don’t feel free enough. What is this stage then, may be it is Bondage-X-freedom. Hence yet again my search for this X began, this time not with any preconceived notions about anything and/or anybody, no conditions or constraints. This search has been relentless since the day it struck me that there has to be a reason why I am not free yet I am not trapped! Perhaps this factor-X is so elusive that it cannot be put down on paper, it cannot be told in words, it cannot be heard too, it does not stay long to form an image in our eyes, if it does too, our brain would be too busy in the first and last stations that it would just miss out to register the image, the sound, the word!

Could this factor-X be my purpose of life? Could finding it be my purpose of life? Would finding this one letter set me free and just crumble all the shackles of names, forms, genders, faces, labels? Would it spit me out alive, would it set me on fire, would it open up gates, would it refuel my desires? I do not know. I wish to know.

I wonder, to where the quest for a meaningful purpose has led me. If we all together began to search this one middle station before freedom; probably our collective efforts would fruit us the ultimate purpose or even the accomplishment of it, which perhaps none of us has ever experienced. And for those who did have this accomplishment, they were probably ridiculed or put to silence.

For now, there is no solid, short-term purpose in my hands. Just the notion of the nature of my purpose has taken me to such beautiful realms of experiences, I can only guess that the purpose has something to do with love…I will assume so for now.</span